Saturday, May 28, 2005

The Happy Homemaker's Beauty Secrets
I am told about once a week that I look 10 years younger than I am (41). I don't know if this is true, or if lots of people feel they need to butter me up for something. I suspect, if it is true, it is because my extra pounds have stretched out my wrinkles so that you can't see them. But, just in case I really do look young and there is something I've done to contribute, I give to you The Happy Homemaker's Beauty Secrets (henceforth not so secret):

1) Wait until you're 35 to have children. Then, when others your age are preparing their children for the prom, you will be purchasing crayons for kindergarten. This doesn't affect your actual appearance, but having children hanging from your skirt fools the minds of others into thinking you are young.

2) Pluck, pluck, pluck.

3) Oil of Olay.

4) Have your own blog. If you're 31 and want to appear 10 years younger, have a livejournal.

5) Don't wear your whole collection of jewelry. This gives away the number of years you've had to collect jewelry.

6) Another illusional trick: decorate your house with mismatched and sometimes even broken furniture for that "just starting out" look. (This works wonders for me).

7) If you're a woman, the higher your ponytail, the younger you look. Of course, at some point this turns on you and the higher you wear your ponytail the more ridiculous you look. Its a fine line and you must always be on guard. If you are uncertain, go down an inch. Also, if you are going to try this trick you should use a simple barrette. A big bow on a high ponytail will definitely take you to ridiculous territory.

8) Curl your eyelashes and keep your eyes wide open for that innocent doe look. (For your mid-life crisis, invest in some sparkly eyeshadow. Since no self-respecting 40-year-old woman would wear sparkles on her face, everyone will just KNOW you are 30!)

9) Keep your toenails filed down and polished. Thick toe nails are a sure sign of old(er) age.

10) Smile. (Shimmery lip gloss makes your smile even better!)


Blogger Mel said...

Thanks! Now I can look like a young Little Orphan Annie. ;)

2:46 PM, May 29, 2005  
Anonymous Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

My Lovely Wife said that it is not the ponytail that makes you look young, it's how TIGHT the ponytail is that does the trick.

11:43 PM, May 29, 2005  
Blogger Jan said...

Hmmmm. Tighter is younger? My theory on that would be that loose is extremely young and active, tight is when your mommy puts it up and expects it to last through a day of school, medium tight is for a young woman, very tight is for the beginning of a career, loose again for motherhood, and tight for the mature woman. Did I get it right?

9:06 AM, May 30, 2005  
Anonymous Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

Actually, the theory is that if the ponytail is tight enough, it will pull all the wrinkles out of your face. Thus, you look also look like you were born in a wind tunnel.

11:57 AM, May 30, 2005  
Blogger violet said...

As a corollary to the pony tail hint, I might also suggest that after a certain age, you do well to make sure the color of your 'roots' don't give you away.

9:59 AM, June 02, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home